my very own symphony

2008-01-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

HEY PEOPLE

CHANGED BLOG TO HTTP://MYLASTDEATHWISH.LIVEJOURNAL.COM

RELINK PLEASE!

THANKS :D

2007-12-05T18:51:00.000+08:00

okay. this second part of the symphony is inspired by My Chemical Romance's album (the black parade). yupyup. its about life and kinship and some ideas from the whole album and things that were mention.

Life and Relationships

Minutes are ticking past
the moments of out life slipping away
trying to make everything last
but what is left is our strongest memory

life is fragile and so unpredictable
there's so much I as a human can't do
trying to make everything feel memorable
but everything I do feels so damn painful

How more how long before my time finishes
leaving me in my own deathbed with nothing
running and ending my in a final race
this race of my life to find's life true meaning

relationship is full with unexpected twists
something that we take years to build
can end in just a moment of wrong words
so what in life is there for me to hold

running away always seem easy
so can I live with myself for this cowardly move?
carrying and moving on keeping my life busy
detaching my self from the painful holds of life

there is only this much we can seek
we must protect what belongs to us
before everything turns black
we must not give on our aspirations

there goes me, rotting in the hospital
hoping to get out of this asylum
wasting so many time on useless matters
and here am I hoping to get a ticket to heaven

there are things i need to scream to my parents
there are friends out there needing my consolation
how could i forsake parents over arguments
how can i forsake friends for freedom

that's the scenario i see myself in the near future
lying there with thoughts unspoken and regrets
i will go against fate's fixture
doing the things that arent easy, but are right

no more tears and sobs on my funeral parade
but grins and laughter of those i had helped
leaving part of my soul deep in their heart
not forgetting me after i am buried

this is really what life means
leaving on even after dying

2007-12-01T16:10:00.001+08:00

oh man. its being long since i am in here blogging.
and my first post for december is gonna be the start of my last symphony for this blog.
yea. i hope i wont get to emo over things.
there are people out there that i want to thank and curse, but this is not the time for it.

anyway E if you read this, i missed you

the LAST symphony (beginning):

In the beginning of everything
even the smallest being
living on planet earth
has feelings to begin with

many of us human beings
tend to overlook other's feelings
stepping on their ego and pride
crushing their will underneath our feet

having feelings in me
sometimes i wish them all away
how can i fight against"anger, sorrow and depression"
they are the bane of my existance

i wonder what do love really mean to us
is it all about hugs and kisses
or is it about missing her when she's gone
waiting for her till you see her again

there's a reason behing every single of our actions
but sometimes we let our instincts reign over us
we each have our secrets
and we want our peace

the start of a new symphony
is the closure of the old
hoping that one day
everything will be perfect

(to be continued)

2007-11-16T23:03:00.000+08:00

back now
just a note
i will be giving YOUTH camp a miss
got to slog my guts out for that...

ITOUCH

2007-10-10T20:28:00.000+08:00

i am in a mood which i havent had for a long time
fear..
is it good to feel it once in a while?
maybe its just tomorrow
that i have to meet someone many of you will never get to meet
sigh

fear is in the eye of the beholder
how one looks at the matter
is how i will never look from that perspective
those who feel relieved, i will feel fear
fear of that.

2007-10-08T16:13:00.000+08:00

say or dont say?
i guess the closest ppl already know wht happened.
anyw, friends, brothers and sisters i am sorry.
i guess after that much of pondering
i shant tell you guys what's going on.
hopefully you guys will never learned abt what had happened.

ciaO

2007-09-28T18:40:00.000+08:00

what a day it is today man.
firstly was late for school
well that's normal for me
than mr heng(chinese HOD) gave me a call
so i went into school
than he saw me
so he took my bag
and searched it
found cigs and a pack of cards
oh well what can i say

sigh its raining now
raining outside and inside my heart

you: i dont wnt you to carry everything alone. let me share your burden. unless i am a burden to you myself. ily. <3 misses

2007-09-27T18:56:00.000+08:00

friends?
what will you do for them?

i will fight for them
i will die for them
and i will give them my time
and make them feel special
and most importantly
i will never leave them

so what's your answer to my little question?

hia di! peng you! stay by me.

sigh.

i love you
24/09/07

2007-09-25T17:24:00.000+08:00

hey.
if anyone comes here and read this post.
and is really offended please just errm, go away for awhile
cuz i am in a very pissed off mood

to anonymous on her blog and to xiaomel who comes here:

just to clear up some misunderstandings, I AM NOT THE ONE TAGGING ON SHANNY'S BLOG! yea, and fucking anonymous if i catch you, say bye to your life, i swear. use my name and doing stupid things on others blog is not a very nice thing to do. and thts something i hate most.

oh yea, prelims

a major screw up

whatever

2007-09-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

on nights like tonight when people are sleeping
dreaming about the day that is to come
on nights like tonight when people are partying
hanging out with friends, having some fun

those were the days
where i remembered so well
living every single day
hoping we wont be in hell

doing charity to others, bringing love to many

there are the people that are out there
those who have went through so much ending up unloved
those are the ones that seek to be somewhere
some where there's company, some where there's love

those were the times
where i had so much memories
when i relived them everytime
i realized those those were the times

where i was in cloud nine, loving the people around me

now here the storm comes, with lightning
wanting to destroy everything
every single of our memories we had
hoping one day we wont be remembered

those were the nights
where there was a fight
we would risk anything and everything
for the safety of our brothers

those were the days, the times, the memories, the nights.
i will remember for life

___________________________________

love gives you courage
giving strength when you are loved
so that we can move on
and carry our lifes without regrets

2007-09-12T19:26:00.000+08:00

i came to this page it was empty.
so it is meant for me to fill it up right?
yes yes i think that is the whole idea about a blank page

so what shall i fill it up with
so many things i want to say
but cant bring myself to say it

any ideas?

hahah. i got an idea! yayy
this madness i think

hmmm. here goes.

death an eternal separation from everything

ummm. that is a good one.

i want my obituary to read:

Leoi Xue Yu Shaun
died on (whatever date)
and went on to be in paradise
leaving this world so soon was freedom to him
so please everyone dont mourn
and friends, they are the best people to him
everyone of them he treasured
and he loved every single of them
though some others more
there are two kinds of people he want to say bye to

his brothers and his closest friends
the people he love
and
the two girls that shared his heart

liberation is only found when we live to die

2007-09-10T22:18:00.000+08:00

today let me talk about why people are so unfulfilled with their life. i am trying to distract myself from talking about her or thinking about her by starting to give my two cents to some of the feelings and things i have had felt in my life. so today let me give my two cents on why people are often frustrated with their life.

people are often frustrated with their life because they might have been hurt emotionally or spiritually or mentally. by some unforeseen circumstances they feel that by going with our culture they push themselves with the mentality that materialism is everything, owning things is good. working hard is good. but in the end when they think about it, they will be like, i hate my life, this sucks, that sucks, everything is lousy. why? they are just chasing bubbles of life delusional things. its a waste of our life. we are meant to enjoy every moment of our life, admiring the surroundings, treasure everyone in our life, and love everything in this world. why hate? hate makes you go bitter. bitterness is not good, its poison in one's heart and soul. destroying day by day. so people should really learn to relax more, create their own culture and enjoy it. instead of following the world's culture. we will never be happy if we are just copycats.love always wins.i hope.

____________________________

the surroundings filled with perfection
someone took a stroll in the garden
the whistle of the wind, the rustling of the leaves
the pure seduction of quiet and peace

the crimson glow of the sun lights up the earth
the white clouds hanging in the skies from above
the rain pouring over our heads
the pure pleasure of our environment

the joys of people the sorrow of many others
the little things that keep people together
harmony between everyone holding them together
binding them is the love between one another

that is my imagination of what life is really about

but never will this all be possible
love always win
i wish

2007-09-10T20:01:00.000+08:00

i am getting emo-ier by the day. i sit on the bus i just start crying. i listen to songs i also cry. i do exam nearly cried. i just keep thinking what is really life? why must God make things so difficult. must life really be such a jerk? i dont know how to carry this on. she doesnt want to see me, and even though i say i dont want to, but i really want to. maybe, i just want a face to face talk, clear everything up, and move on from there. so now i know what's the meaning of scared to love again. i am keeping away from girls now, and my friends. i am scared to have friends scared to be in a relationship ( be it a friendship or BGR) i rather be alone, slashing my self on the wrist. attempting to stab myself, but i cant bring myself to it. it really brings pain to a new level in my vocab. self mutilation is my game. i smoke one pack a day and drank plenty of alcohol. but i am not knocked out yet. why? does running really means anything to me? does moving on really going to be so hard. every step i take is another knife thrown at my heart. the further i walk away from her, the more i feel like running back to her. i feel like dying. can i die please? or even just let me cry. nothing can cure me now, no words can bring back the past. time is not something i need. all i need is her to be by myside and not just hanging there. i know for sure that she have hurt me so badly. and so have i. FUCK IT!

your name i carved on my hand
will stay there forever in my mind
i hate to say this to you
but i love and missed you

2007-09-09T22:05:00.000+08:00

you:

i really miss you. whether you care or not. i love you still. i will wait for you. but now i shall just fuck off, and give you your space, i dont want you ending up hating me.

2007-09-09T03:25:00.000+08:00

i couldnt resist blogging cuz i am not able to sleep and i am using the comp quietly and secretly. sigh.
i will move on.
but i swear we will be together again
after my o levels
we will fly and make it last
that is my promise.

i will wait and wait and wait
cuz now i know you love me

2007-09-07T20:44:00.000+08:00

when i was writing down this post.
i was crying
now when i am typing everything i wrote out
i am still crying
this post will stay be my final post
until further notice
________________________________

yesterday everything felt so right
holding your hand through the night
hugging you till till the sky falls on us
leaving the pain and sorrow behind us

i have felt the the warmth of your love
embracing me even when i was miles from you
i thought about you while on the move
my first genuine smile was given to you

i wanted to hold you close to my heart
never letting you away from my sight
the walks, the smiles, the crazy stuff we did
was never more than a step away from my heart
the loving look on your face
i will remember it whilst in my grave

the mistake i had committed
was one of great impact
i never knew deep inside, you are scared
scared to love, scared to be hurt

the tears i have shed for you
every drop shows my care and love for you
once i a lifetime, true love happens once
that is the relationship between me and you

i wanted to hold you close to my heart
never letting you away from my sight
the love, the pain, the sorrow i have
are all reacting in my heart now
the last words you said to me
i will carry it to my grave

all that had once been reality
had become nothing more than a memory
the stars the moon and the night sky
shall me my witness
on how much i loved you

i wanted to call you in the night'
to bring you back to my side
the times, the moments, every minute with you
i have carved and etched it in my heart
this whole fiasco of love affair
will go with me to my grave

this is how much my love for you is
to be able to crumble me to tears
and to tear my motivation down

casting me back into darkness and death

i love you <3
come back please?

to you:
being alone and single, loving someone but not wanting to be with him. is very hurtful for yourself. give me the chance to share it with you. you love me and so do i, i am your one and only, and so are you. i love to be alone, though i do love attention. but now all i want is you. sharing every moment of sadness and happiness with you. let me feel the hurt and pain with you, that's what i am for right? i will be your second half, and i will not let you be alone, today i went over to your place, was for the sole purpose of not letting you be alone, so that i can share every minute of my life with you. give me that chance will ya?

2007-09-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

one post dedicated to you!
hahaha

i look into your eyes
i saw what you were thinking
i leaned forward
kissed you on your lips

that was my true love snapshot in my life

<3

2007-09-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

my dearest friend
by the name of eliazabet
wait i think its elizabeht
oh i remember its elizabeth
so the pretty she got me to write her a post
requesting it to be a whole post
so having a soft spot for sensitive ladies
i agreed to write it

HEY MY DEAR LADY
emology so rocks ok!

thank you for being there everytime

iloveyou!
hahaha
my good friend

take care!!!

2007-08-31T22:42:00.000+08:00

today. HORRIBLE. i lost so badly in dota. stupid game really.
and i felt so jittery the whole day
was it because of the prelim paper?
or was it because i was waiting for a call?
or even just a sms?

___________________________

buzz buzz! buzz buzz!
is it a bee or a house fly?
buzz. buzz.
what is that annoying sound?

glancing around eyes popping out
i begun my search for that irritant
i touched the big hole in my levis
the one that i store my lose coins in

oh! so its the D900 making that annoying noise
slipping it out from my pocket
"1 new message recieved"
showed on the display picture

my hands trembled and shook
what could this message contain?
maybe its something bad?
maybe its something worthless?

maybe i should not open it
torn between eagerness to open it
and disapproving thoughts of it
i struggled with the situation in my mind

my hand slipped as the thing fell to the floor
"ouch!" i imagined it screamed
cursing me for being fickle minded
not being abled to make up my mind

with determination, i picked it up
clicked the top left soft key
i regretted it almost at once
but when i saw what i saw

i smiled.

2007-08-29T00:44:00.000+08:00

so in the end after all those
we end up back here
in this place where
i always dreamt to leave

times have change and fly
i have change much too
and so have you
times fly, and poof!

everything disappears

silence in this world
drip drip drip
what is this do i hear?

blood?
water?
or.. spilt milk

tears! its tears!
tears for her
tears for the useless
tears for the unlove

2007-08-27T18:47:00.000+08:00

today emaths is horrible. cuz i didnt manage to get much sleep the previous night. so much for me trying to sleep at 10. but it didnt work. i end up waking up and just staring into space. tomorrow is ss and chemistry. what a bore. i think this prelims i will end up no where. whateveR!

blah blah blah

regarding my previous poem. just think about it as me reminiscing in a storm. and that's what my world is. a storm that never ceases. sigh. i miss a normal life.

__________________

its dark all around
lying bed with morbid thoughts
running through my mind
entertaining questions and death thoughts
is not a appealing thing to do

the questions starts with a why.
ended with a me or i
never a second thought to others feelings
but always thoughts on others comments
so what do that really mean?

a changed world for no one
so why did it changed in the first place
maybe things should have just been what its suppose to be
me as a gangster, me in a gang
me as a trouble maker, me in trouble

maybe life would have been appealing after all
the excitements and the thrills of a fight
everyone wants a unique life
but deep in this heart of mine
i wanted peace, quiet, and something normal

so why do i often regret what i did?
what have i gain but loneliness
so if this world has a less person
does it affect anyone or any thing?
i guess it does not

maybe this storm will end soon
and peace will rule again
no hatred, no anger
no sad thoughts, no morbid thoughts
no tears in my eyes every night

do i have to return to the nightmares
the nightmares that haunt me
even when the day is bright

do i have to live through every night
every night with those thoughts
on who is really important?

do i have to go through each day
each day searching for attention and friends
that will never come?

or do i have to go through this life
this life of trying to be normal
when i am not normal

uniquely unique
specially for you

what do they mean?

2007-08-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

i know you will never drop by here
but if you do
here's something for you

despite everything
i still love you

what a week.

2007-08-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

i hear the sound made by drops of rain
hitting the concrete floor
as i drip drops of blood, feeling pain

i scream from this angony, this pain
clawing my way to the door
i hear the sounds made by drops of rain

i saw the exit to this all. so close, so close
i stopped to take a breather
as i feel death creeping up to my nose

i stare up to the ceiling up above
i felt myself taking my last breath
i was back in my bed with the pillow above

what a nightmare
_______________________________

i give up rhyming my poems, lets do something more of my style
_______________________________

the flash of lightning
i took a walk to the park
winding in and out of the pathway
the thunder roar

tha flash of lightning
i took a walk in memory lane
seeing the flashes of my past
the thunder roar

the raindrops fall
i ran around in circles
lost in my own self
the thunder roar

the raindrops fall
i begun to see it all
how lost i had become
the thunder roar

the howling wind blow me cold
as i clasped your hands in mine
holding you close to my heart
the thunder roar

the howling wind blow me cold
as i looked down at my hands
and all i saw were my hands
the thunder roar

the flash of lightning
the raindrops fall
the howling wind blow me cold
the thunder roar

my walk in memory lane
so foolish i had been
you and me forever?
what a fool i am

the lightning disappeared
the rain ceased
the howling wind stopped
the thunder softens

i saw your face there
i ran to you
i tripped and fall over
you walk away without looking back

the raindrops are falling
i lie on the pavement
my heart broken to pieces
what is left, is nothing

the lightning flashed
the raindrops fell
the howling wind blew
and the thunder roared

2007-08-20T20:32:00.000+08:00

the curtain of life falls
the circular cycle in this world
standing in my cage with my head bowed
i offered a silent pray to the heavens above

"take me away from this chaos,
free me from this pain
make me feel liberation
i will pay any price for it"

the moonlight shone through my enclosure
with a shout, i screamed to whoever hears me
letting out the anger that was held within me
i felt something cold on my pale face

a single tear of regret

2007-08-20T20:19:00.000+08:00

what are friends for?
when no one knows the meaning of friends?
accept for a few?

so what now do i seek?
i seek... *mind goes blank*

my mind isnt blank for now
but i am feeling lost
i shall drown myself in studies

but cigarettes and alcohol
are my best stimulants

2007-08-18T18:34:00.000+08:00

123 was a lonely night
i wish 124 will be better
but i guess not
so i shall wait for 125 to come

2007-08-18T14:09:00.000+08:00

those silent nights where there was no light
without a call from anyone
consumes the light and devouring the righteous
and leaving others thirsty and desperate

those were th nights where many will fall
and succumb to their desperate desires
fulfilling them and achieving that pleasure
but in the end what is left is an empty shell

a never ending cycle in this circular people
where the people cry out in despair
begging others to relieve them from their misery
so as to gain liberation in some form

the fallen leaves and the howling wind
on those nights where the weather's chilly
the angel of darkness come and devour
every single light that is in this world

so long are the days of peace
and so long are the days of light
where now darkness consumes
and chaos will reign in this world

it will reign in a world
a dimension that no one can see
other than Him alone
which is in the darkness of my heart

and my soul will be lonely
letting my whole body be thrown into chaos
no more the kid that i use to be
i cry for freedom and friends

with my very own blood
i wrote your name
with a knife, i carved it
on my heart and my soul

the memories.
the bitter and the sweet
that is all that i have now
and that is all i am left

memories
what are they?
nothing but an awful echo
from the past

2007-08-13T18:10:00.000+08:00

thunder rumbled through the classroom
lightning shone brightly in the dim classroon
i edged back to that seat
trying to recall what that devil said in the front

the devil started announcing the results
oh how snide he sounded!
i held a crushed piece of paper
waiting impatiently to stuck it in his mouth

"144.. ... .." "i DIDNT HEAR MY RESULTS"
and there he goes over again
i am now annoyed at the slow pace he is doing everything
i glared at that insolent creature.

"SHAUN.. ... .." *please please*
"I DIDNT HEAR MY RESULTS"
and there he goes over again
i stood up with my face turning red with anger

my hand was trembling, i sat down again
forcing my mind on other things
"SHAUN.. ... .." we exchange loathing glares at each other
"B3 distinction"

i slumped back into my seat
dropped that now wet paper ball
i sunk into the dark abyss
consumed in my own thoughts and anger

i suddenly wish i was a bird
so carefree, so free from worries
soaring in that only sky
dropping bombs on others

what a life a bird has
no exams to worry
no future to worry
just their present and nothing else

but on a second thought
i rather be myself
at least i get the priveledge
on voicing my views in this site of mine

and i get to say i love you to her

but still B3 for chinese

HORRIBLE!

2007-08-11T19:02:00.000+08:00

after having talking to a friend of mine
i realised i never did knew him
and i got into a emo mood soon afterwards
i never knew that there was someone
whom suffer and go through so much more than me

he makes rejection in my dictionary
reach a new height
i wondered what we talked about as i walked home alone
i realised the difference between me and him
is that i had warnings from others

he and me had a choice
but i had warnings on what i should not do
he did not know the consequences and what will happen
i brought everything upon myself
i deserved everything

the rejections from people
the sarcastic remarks from people around me
the looks that i draw from strangers
it was what i asked for
and that is what i have gotten

this world was never fair to begin with
he ended up with nothing but he had a family
i ended up with my girl but i have a broken family
so what is this fairness that everyone talks about
nothing is ever fair we gain something and we lose something

we may lose something important and gain something of lesser value
and vice versa, there's no fairness in this world
and in other words nothing is really free
in one way or another we have to pay for it
in blood, soul or material goods

but i realised something
dont look back and regret
cause nothing's going to change
treasure the present
look forward to the future

that's my thoughts

2007-08-06T20:30:00.000+08:00

the decisions that i always make
i never stop and think for awhile
because after all it was
"dont look back at the choices you made."

but there was this paricular night
i was thinking about matters
what others have said and pursuaded me
i decided to leave

and there was this particular afternoon
i was walking home in the summer heat
and well i was obviously smoking
but after a few puffs i threw it away
and i sweared to stop

so why all these things and choices i made?
i really regretted all of them
sometimes its not about thinking after you made the choice
but to think before you make it

p.s i am in starbucks now
and i cant help to blog back to my studies ((:

2007-07-25T22:39:00.001+08:00

who am i to the people around me?

anyone care to comment?

2007-07-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

6 days more
and its all over
we got back again
and i hope
things will never be like the past
and i will treasure everymoment
we have together

thrown away that test
cuz darren made me felt like a fool
when he told me how he felt about it
which is pretty true.
but still quite angry with him
for spoiling that moment of happiness and acomplishment
that i created a test
but oh well.

whatever
forget it

2007-07-10T21:46:00.000+08:00

time and time again. i feel so useless so lonely. i have choosen to keep my self away from others because of the emotional hurts tht i can never get over. the hurt, the pain i slash myself, seeing the blood flow, i know i am human when i see the blood flows from the wounds. cigarettes and pain, thts all there is now in my life. sooner or later i will die, but i already feel myself dying, each day i live i give thanks for it. cuz i will never knew if the next day comes and i am in a coffin.

2007-05-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

rejection. so that's how it feels when someone close to you somehow rejected you. i'm not talking about boygirl rejection.i'm talking abt rejection from society from friends.it is sometimes so hard to accept the fact that someone just ostracised you.someone that you trusted so much can just cast you aside.so why?i have no idea either.but this really taught me something.i should never reject someone, eventhough if i really hate the person. the feeling is so painful, something that's beyond words. i really hope i wont get rejected by people again. it makes my life so meaningless, and my efforts wasted. trying to make new friends and yet.. oh well

pride.when i say pride i dont mean arrogant or proud. i mean it as something that many of us never knew that we have. its actually something that cant be seen or felt by yourself. but others see it when you react to things and people feel your pride and ego. soemtimes this pride shut us out, sometimes this pride stop us from really carrying on and pulling through. sometimes this pride just ignores others people constructive comments. sometimes, it is this very pride that we cant break down. its not easy to cast down our pride and bow in humility. we think that our ideas our suggestions are the best. yet there are always better ones out there and we choose to ignore it because of PRIDE. so why since we know our problem lies with pride, but why cant we try to get over it. its a difficult thing to throw away, and i have no idea how to do that, because i'm struggling with it too. anyone got any suggestions? can bring it up too.

since you didnt allow me to write you a testimonial i shall blog it here than:

36days of laughter tears and love.i REALLY missed you at times.friday we go watch pirates of the CARRIBEAN ok?iloveyou baby (: you are my girl forever never shall we part. hug kisses you <3

-piggy :D

2007-05-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

so.. what is this pride?

tts what i am currently about. i will blog about it soon.

for now 33

2007-05-19T00:41:00.000+08:00

how should i go about this? how am i suppose to write what's on mind. i will try to write it as simply as i can so that this post will be easy to read. okay. this thoughts came to me this 2 days. i was wondering do we shut people out all do they shut us out? i realised its more of the former than the latter. when we were down and out, we natuarally seek for concern, attention and love. but when others try to help us by giving us advice or even lecturing us. we just turn them away. because we always feel they do not know why we do what we do.we shut them out, oblivious to the fact that they were trying to help us. and by the time we realised our error we are sometimes too late. why haven't we tried to reach out to them, heed what they said. afterall people who are watching at the sidelines, see our errors and flaws more easier than us. than why do us even knowing this shut them out still? after more hurt and pain is in our heart, we are clouded BECAUSE we think with our hugs. now here comes the important part, when we think with our hearts we are thinking based on our current emotion and your current desires. therefore clouding our judgement and ability to accept and comments. we act irrationally, causing more harm and more misunderstanding. we should in fact, forget our emotions, and use our mind to tell us what's the right thing that we ought to handle our problems. and we should not turn away help but do not take in all the opinions, because some of which may tend to mislead us further.since our mind is unclouded and unaffected by any distractions, we should often use our mind. its all in the mind. to quit to start to scold to swear to runaway to turn to other pleasures.

that's where i went wrong, and when i realised it it was a little too late. i shut myself out from the world, thinking that people were just irritating, they dont understand me. but i am wrong. they are often the ones that give sound advices. those are what we call FRIENDS. true friends.so its that i shut them out that caused me my misery. making me so lonely, causing me to be a total outcast.but i realised they were all there, ready to help, ready to give me their comments.i always love this saying," its never too late to do anythings, its worst if you did nothing." is it time now for me to do something, and not let things go out of hand and before i lose control of the things i am doing.

here is another thought for lovers out there or couples: will you really do something sacrificial for your girl/boyfriend?naturally you will say i do. but is it really the truth. i searched my conscience and i can safely say i cant.okay.i cant but i do try.but still sometimes trying isnt really enough.eventhough we place our girl/boyfriends over many friends.but we can never place them over ourselves. so than. what is true love? does true love means that we can sacrifice our self for the sake of our partners? my take on this, if i really love her, no matter how much it takes to make her happy i will do so without complains. if i fail, than it is really going to be meaningless, even though we tried, we didnt get our end result. so doesnt that make me quite useless as a boyfriend? so than why do i exist as a boyfriend if i cant even make my girlfriend happy? i will leave it here for now, because i am starting to contradict what i am saying now. and i leave it here for you guys to think about it. so why do you really have a girl/boyfriend? to me, as long as she is happy i have done my job, and as long as she feels loved, i have done my best.

damn. iloveyou.

2007-05-16T20:24:00.000+08:00

maybe i dont deserve you at all.

sometimes fate really make a fool of us all. maybe there wasnt a God after all. its just people and their own decisions? what does life really hold for all of us. we make ourselves what we are today. that's our responsibility aint it? we are responsible for what we are. i am responsible for being so unpopular people and causing my own downfall in my relationships. maybe i was never good with people from the start. always in my own world, shutting others out, so that maybe i will be the God of my world. so this is what i end up with. troubles and sorrows. tears and blood.

should people choose to believe in the omnipotent being and His word? in a way it really helps shape someone, to be holy and fear to do the bad and taboos of life. maybe i have already long fallen. i was once someone who fear to fight to steal to do anything bad. but now, i just do what i think i need to do. i never thought of the consequences. maybe that's why i end up what i have now. sometimes, its better to think and heed others before doing something. its like you being a baddie and you stole something in front of the police and after that you are caught and send to jail.

okay. maybe i am talking crap. but i am really glad to have typed what have been bothering me out. sigh. if only someone really understands what i am writing. maybe its just all nonsense and no meaning. but i am sure there's something in there. my heart is lighter but i still feel guilty for pulling so many people down with me. i will probably end up in hell. maybe. i dunno. i am still speculating. but if i want to speculate, i want to speculate if i will ever see her again. for now. i just cannot die, and lose myself to my ownself. HAHAHA. i have done so many wrong things in this life, maybe its time for me to do something right for a change.

love is such a simple word. yet to some of us it is the word that changed our lives, making us fond of someone, giving up everything for her, but maybe we never got back what is the so called equal treatment. but there's never an equal trade. some people get to gain more. take the nazi soviet pact for an instance, soviet gained more advantage than nazis. i never asked for something in return, but just hope that she did smile. and i will carry on doing what is right. for her sake. but. to another group, love turns to hate, making our love for someone turn to its evil twin. than thats when we give up on love, and continue walking in darkness, wallowing in self pity and self denial. maybe i am a little of both, but i can never stay in the gray area for long, its either here or there. so where?

2007-05-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

i dunno why i'm writing this on my blog instead of yours,

i wish you said you recieved my sms, maybe i wont feel tht i have wasted my effort. oh well. you know i am never good in anything i do, i cant cheer you up properly and even try to make things right. i feel useless y'know. i'm just a punk who have all the bad habits and is really fugly but you and me are together. i dunno. i am confused. why do you love me? why did you choose me? what did you really see in me? i know i love you. you are first in my life, above anything. no one i swear can ever replace you in my heart. i hate myself. damn. i'm sorry for all the misunderstandings i have created. i'm sorry for fighting w you always. i'm sorry for s_______ing. i will change. just for your sake and maybe for our sakes. but i really wish that whatever i am gonna do you will be behind me all the way. i cant handle this alone. lets do it together yea? i know the chances of us meeting before our 1st month is nearly zero. but i am happy that i am your boy, your lover. yours forever. iloveyou.

2007-05-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

22 days
and all i have left are memories
and here i am waiting outside in the cold
for you to be with me once more
what more can i say than

iREALLYloveyou

2007-05-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

hello everyone. :]
shaun leoi is too lazy t blog.
so i shall do it for him.
anyway.
please dont be late for tuition tmrw cause i always have difficulty choping seats for you nd it makes me damm paiseh when mrs kang asks me where you are.
nd treasure this post.
i havent blogged for ages so i dont really know what t say.
anyway.
shaun had a wonderful day in school today.
he was really really nice t all his teachers nd he helped them carry all their books t the staff room. right shaun? -nods.
heh.
he decided t be a good boy nd when home straight after school t study.
good old shaun.
im sorry im no good in typing emo entries like him.
but everyone facies a change once in a while right?
yupp.
bye anyway.
im dry on what t say.

nd shaun.
STOP ________.

then i'll be your girlfriend. :]

love mel.

2007-05-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

there am i stoning
staring into the blank space
reliving my memories in my mind
but what are left are JUST memories

the four walls in the room
painted in black and white
depicts the balance of all things
when there is good there must be evil

so shall i be the evil one than?
now there i am running away from my past
getting back to where i had left
i realised it is so hard to get back

without you, my life is so empty
void of purpose to carry on this losing battle
darkness engulfing me by the minute
but my hands are clasp tightly in yours

that is the only pleasant thought
that kept me going on and on
there were times i see the blood on the floor
blood that came from my wounds

wounds that were caused by myself
wounds that served as a reminder
of the pain and hurt i used to live in
the angsty and emo moments i had

hatred is all you need to survive
love is for the foolish and the stupid
than i shall be the foolish and the stupid
holding on to that love that upholds me

crawling back on the way of evil
does not seem so appealing after all
have i really fallen? i want to get back to where i left
for my sake, for your sake, for our sake

damn the odds. damn the pain.
damn the agony. damn the sadness
damn all the unpleasant stuff
damn all the ANGER

i realised this one point
people do not ostracise you
but you are the one that ostracise yourself
causing your very own loneliness

painful is the way back
the path is filled with troubles
but all i need is
your love and your care

i will show the rest of the world
i have not fallen
i have not yet fallen
i have not yet fallen to darkness

there i am staring into space
what is going through my mind
is none other but you
you shed some light in my darkness

you gave me the wonderful memories
i thank you for them
what have become a memory will always be a memory
lets move on and create more memories

we will be together forever
never shall we part
i shall prove to this screwed up world
there is everlasting love
_________________________________

i bought a pack today..
i broke my 2 weeks of abstinence

A for effort
F for quitting

i will try again on monday

not gonna let you down
NEVER.

2007-05-03T15:40:00.000+08:00

16 days since that very day

i need you now..

2007-05-01T22:08:00.000+08:00

birthday..? so..?
it was just a holiday
no surprises no amuses
nothing. nothing at all

seeing the couples
that were on the streets
i really can't help to wonder
where is my girl?

and i realised how pathetic i was

nothing hurts more than to post this post
recounting my day
the day where i should feel special
but i felt totally horrendous

i guess i am feeling really blue today
maybe, next year would be better
i hope...

crys

2007-04-28T00:37:00.000+08:00

love is
deceptive
love is
scandalous

love is
momentary
love is
a lie

love is
painful
love is
nothing but empty words

love is
hateful
love is
dreadful

BUT
all the above means nothing to me
because to me

love is
forever
love is
compromising

love is
being together
love is
a relationship

love is
sweet
love is
everything nice

love is...
YOU <3

i'm thinking of 11 today :D

2007-04-19T23:20:00.000+08:00

forever and ever i turn around
i couldnt find you
but i am glad in the end
i found you, you were there all along

you gave me love and colour to my life
forever this will last
17 april i willl never forget this date
after years of longing, the day has come

iloveyou

i cant wait till i see your dear face again

2007-04-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

what an irony
so what if i get a gold
there's no one to be there
to celebrate with me

TCH.

2007-04-09T21:02:00.000+08:00

promises and words, what do they mean to you?
do people just say it for the sake of doing so
has people become so sloppy with promises
even compromising promises making them so cliche

"oh, i promise..."
dont even do so, unless you do mean it
breaking it lowers the value of promises
in the near future, promises becomes just words

reading my past has never been a good thing
memories and experiences flooding back to me
a love that had been for so long
something that is worth protecting for

so what if i am down and out
there's no one here
those empty words "i'll be here."
but you are the one that hurt me

love has blinded me
making me negligent to my feelings
there is only you in my life
but something's stopping us

though within me i'm crying and bleeding
BUT i will never give up
i want to shout and scream to you
"ILOVEYOU HON"

2007-04-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

when someone say cold
i thought of being cold
feeling cold ; cold within yourself
each of which have a different meaning

being cold to someone
often ends up hurting the other party's feelings
affecting the world around you
because of your insensitiveness

feeling cold from the weather
causes us to be fragile and weak
and we are at the mercies of mother nature
to think that one day i might just freeze to death

cold withing yourself; the emptiness
there's no explanation for this type of cold
i myself suffer from this cold
its an angony ; a feeling beyond the mere description of words

its like being locked up in an empty room
you are all alone its in the winter
and when you realised the cruel fact
even if you die, no one knows and NOBODY cares!

this feeling is taking me to my tombstone
its taking me to the end of my life
i feel like a nobody, someone who is just a loser
i am a loser who just deserves to die

i am so cold
someone light me up
if that someone's too late
goodbye to this FUCKED UP world

gosh.. what an angsty post.

2007-04-06T23:08:00.000+08:00

a promise is a promise, i am gonna quit for good. i hope you will help me. though its not easy but i will try. just for you. since you asked.. i shall do it. you are the first in my heart. and yea.
iloveyou<3

your hon

2007-04-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

to you:

you are the only one that can bring me back down
you are the only one that understands me
i wish we could meet
but i guess we cant

everytime you arent free to go out
my heart bleeds a little
little by little i am numb to the pain
but my love for you holds

i never want to leave you
i will stay by your side
dont think about the past or the future
lets just live the present, together

i am unworthy of you at times
no matter how many times you said i am
i just cant help to think that way
i am not your perfect or dream guy

i wont even try to be
cuz i know you love the way i am
but i will kill my bad habits
as long as i am with you

i really wish and wish
that we will be together
i will always be there by your side
hugging you till the sky falls on us <3

iloveyou

2007-03-29T22:25:00.000+08:00

i dunno if you will read this

back to the darkness
i snapped back to reality
facing the troubles
that have to come

i wish you will be there
be there with me forever
Gosh, i really love you
9 months girl, its not gna change

<3 iloveyou

2007-03-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

why am i caught in the center
do i have to made a choice
no matter what choice i made
it will hurt someone in the end

i chose the more correct choice
i ended our relationship
for the better of her
but for the worse of me

i had made things worse
i only have one wish now
that is to
just to fade away in this world

and end my FUCKING life

the world is better WITHOUT me screwing up the place

2007-03-13T23:14:00.000+08:00

a bleeding heart
inside a scarred body
never experienced love before
what a pathetic kid

a scarred life
a beautiful song
yet you can hear it
the unfinished chords

what a wonderful dream was crushed
because of pure idiocy and retardedness
wishing that this was a dream
all but a dream

2007-03-09T00:32:00.000+08:00

just three stanzas for this post...

SDNEIRF?

how normal i had once felt
with all those "friends" around me
ever since that very day, i know
that they were never true friends

but i always believed
the closest one will be the one
to deal you the last and final blow
to end your life for his benefit

now i lie in my bed
pricking my ears to hear the silence
yet uncontrollaby in bed, there i was
crying myself to sleep

p.s. i not going to put my trust in anyone easily ever again.what a pity.SILENCE.

2007-03-05T23:15:00.001+08:00

haii..
i am depressed and moody nowadays
who else can i trust?

2007-03-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

raindrops hit the ground
some fell on my head
lightnings flashed across the sky
and tears flow from my eyes

dreams were crushed
by the insolent words from others
i was never a good leader i guess
never been abled to teach my juniors

oh how sad is this life of mine
how ironic it has been for me
i aimed so high, and yet
i fell so far from my goals

i want to crawl back up
how am i able to do it
when i have already
given up on myself..?

i appreciate my friends
those who were true to me
for believing me that i can carry on
as a leader as a good student

now i regret for not trying hard
for being so tactless to others
in the end, i am afterall
the worst section leader the flutes ever had

i suck. cheers.
what a loser i am.
what a day..

***************************************

RACHEL JIE JIE
CHEER UP OK?

2007-03-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

today was a weird day
such melancholy was felt
oh gosh. what sorrow and hurt
i cant take it any longer

inside and outside
a wall divides them
the inside islanders live in luxury
the outside islanders was suffering

the outsiders are united
there were people wanted to break down the walls
but here is the twist
the wall got stronger instead

the insiders were taught how to build stronger walls
such selfishness existed
so here is the question..
where do you want to be?inside or outside?

currently i am outside of the wall
all alone and left out
but i never wanted to be inside
so where do i exist than?

WHERE?

2007-02-27T21:59:00.000+08:00

this few days i'm gng to blog more often cuz i am given more time to thingy and in the end whatever goes through my mind will all come into here. here is a place where i let out all my thoughts, before i end up crazy and take my own life.cheers.

*************************************

a wonderful day
a wonderful world
a wonderful family
that was what everyone thought

but somehow i thought otherwise
a gloomy day
a crazy world
a screwed up family

having a punked-up life
wasnt so appealing afterall
but i wont turn back
it was my choice afterall

i guess everywhere's the same
everyone is the same
but here's the twist
i am the one being DIFFERENT

its my fault!
why?damn it!
so at the end of it all
its my fault

i am the problem
what a loser
how dumb could i have gotten
now i realised it all

i will never turn back i guess
cuz i always follow where my heart brings me
not God, not the Bible, not the Spirit
one day i will come back

cause in the end
at the back of my head
i know
that God's word is always right

but..
i am stubborn
and foolish..

ohh!what an idiot i am!

2007-02-24T22:29:00.000+08:00

sinece the past two months
i have always wanting to run out
of those past memories and experiences
finally i got over and out of them

now i am in a different world
a world where i so willingly
put everything i have on the line
including my life, my soul

"come back. come back
i want the old shaun back."
deep in my heart, i know
i cant turn back now. not now.

maybe its because i do not have the guts to
or maybe this is where i belong
now, i can say, and sincerely say
i am willing to give my life up if need be

i am now a no life person
no one will take a second look at me
in the end, what do i end up with..?
why than.why than.do i still hold on

a bitter feeling is in the air
i can taste it with my toungue
where does such bitterness come from
where..?

it comes within me
bitter about my life
bitter about what i have
bitter about not having enough power

i wish i have known you earlier
so that i wont let you get hurt
but now you are hurt
nothing i say matters anymore

this is how my sixteen post will be
something of a sad post, and a reflection
now my only goal in life
is to have more power, to influence

but i guess i will fail again
cuz when i look back in the past
and the present
i see failures

i am sorry
i am so useless

goodbye..

2007-02-12T21:38:00.000+08:00

eons have pass
and i have arrived again
on this very blank page
to express my views on issues

how many times the wicked human heart
had blinded one's eyes
to prevent them from doing what's right
and to seeing what is that good

but how many times we embraced out faults
making them look so ever good
not allowing others to be able to notice
that you even commited a mistake

why some people are so indecisive
people who have second thoughts
people who in the end with their indecisiveness
manipulated others so that they wont be embarassed

on this very day
i can safely say
i was not alone
but i was as good as being alone

i miss you so so so much
and i will wait for you
till the sun dont rise
and the stars dont shine

till the day i step into my grave
and go to hell
even in hell
i will love you

2007-02-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

how do i put all i have to say in one sentence?

i made myself what i am today, to think that in the end i hurt everyone around me.

2007-02-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

when was the last time i smiled sincerely?
when was the last time i held someone in my arms?
when was the last time that i was myself?
when was the last time i was truly happy?

i cant even answer these questions nowadays
but i can only provide one phrase for all of them

a long time back..

2007-01-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

One! Two! Three!
To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

Well we sing if we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing if it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love

But we sing
If we're going no where
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing with out a reason to never fall in love

To never fall in love again

2007-01-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Every time you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl.
I just need you to know girl.

I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Everytime you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl.
I just need you you to know girl.

I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don't want to run away, I want to stay forever, thru Time and Time..
No promises

I don't wanna run away, I don't wanna be alone
No Promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, now and forever my love

No promises

I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don't wanna run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight.

2007-01-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

a week of self destruction
i feel like crap now
finally i understand
how scary it is to be out there

knowing that anytime you will lose your life
to anyone that holds a grudge against you
i am not in the world of self pity
but i am so ever sober so ever awake

fear
is not a feeling
its just a word to describe
the lack of trust and courage

2007-01-18T22:28:00.001+08:00

i'm back
i'm alive
i feel totally horrible
damn

2007-01-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

darkness looms, i sign off my day
with a mental note in my mind
how is life to be someone i used to be
to hide in one corner with my bunch of brothers

life is so dark so scary without my savior
to have to fear for my life everyday
praying that i dont get killed just like that
every fear crept into my life ever since i make that choice

dont go down how i went down my friends
its not a nice feeling, its just a facade
until you know what its like to sell your life to the world
to be a slave, a servant to the evil one and burn in hell forever

getting back is so difficult
yet walking out on Him takes less than a minute
finally i understand the meaning
3 days you become bad, it will take you 3 years to change over a new leaf

a day i will never forget
with a mental note in my mind
that so many birthday wishes have been used on me
what should i do than?

why guys, why ladies
why do you waste that precious one wish i grant you
instead of asking for something superficial
you tell me to be a good boy and stop whatever i am doing?

why...?

2007-01-09T20:54:00.000+08:00

dead into the night
with math formulas
and english phrases
in my head, on my lips

for no apparent reason
i prayed silently
praying that i will stop
praying that my troubles will vanish

with ezekial 18 on my mind
i was scared and i was frighten
will i? will i..? will i....?
be lost to the Lord for my evil deeds?

the ever same argument for our selfish gains
have we ever thought what this life is about
who do we live our life for?
what do we base our lives on..

i am amused that i can say all this
yet i still get consume by the world
i am of unclean lips
and my heart is as dark as the night sky

i am crying
not because i am sad
not because anyone died
but because i am ashame to stand before his presence

Lord. I am unworthy of you!

2007-01-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

Yield not to temptation, for yielding is sin,
Each victory will help you, some other to win
Fight manfully onward, dark passions subdue,
Look ever to Jesus, He will carry you through.
Ask the Saviour to help you; comfort, strengthen and keep you,
He is willing to aid you, He will carry you through

2007-01-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

on a more serious note

i am really confused now
before i even start what wanted to start
i am being influenced by the many blogs and people who had talked to me
now i wonder, where am i to turn?
i want Christ, i want to get back to Him
to be able to serve Him
but on the other hand
i want the pleasures the World can offer
the attention

i beseech you therefore brethren by the mercies of God, that you present your body a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to Him, which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (Romans 12: 1-2)

well this verse basically summarises what i have got to do
it is my life verse for now
a thought struck me, my testimony, my sharings, my words of encouragement to christians who are lost to Christ, have they all become nothing but a lie? it is indeed scary, its scaring me to know that all i had believed in the past three years, had become a lie to me just like that.
i am really lost now

charissa once said: shaun, i think you enjoy the feeling of being lost (or something along that line la)

it struck me, is that what i have been doing? to be lost so that i need not make a choice? am i just running away, trashing myself? all this running away, is beginning to tiring me, i want to make a decision. not by my strength but by God's strength. i have never tried but i will place my faith in Him.

till this day, i have never try putting my entire troubles on Him, i am going to do so now

please pray for me

its really weird, to have someone who was once lost to God and now found to come and tell me not to do stuff. but i am comforted to see that this brethren is now back to someone i once knew when i first came to church. will i be like him?

the world is scary
but
being lost to Him is much more worst
i will do it.

pray for me please.

2007-01-01T23:05:00.000+08:00

i should just say this once and for all..

church.

what right have you guys got
to tell me what i should do
every single week i come down
i leave church feeling more depress
feeling worse than ever
you cant do this
oh you cant do that?
why than do you guys focus so much on our mistakes
not one, no not one
gave me encouragement
only on my birthday and christmas
do i recieve encouragement?
so now what does that make you guys in church
church people is than no more different than people outside
and
when i first came down to church
i thought that it was a big family
a group of people
but damn it i was wrong
in the end it was just many different groups of people
i tried to fit in
but still i sticked out like some sore thumb
in the end i ended up in a corner
why?
cuz i gave up trying to fit in
whats wrong than is it for me to hang around girls?
so what man?
it makes me and some other newcomers feel that
this church is so divided
look at the youths
there's always a clear line where
it separates the girls and the guys
no one dares to cross over and be friendly
even if i did talk to the girls
they will just tell me
"dont hang around too much with the opposite sex
find guy friends."
damn it man! whats wrong with hanging around with girls
i have enough of this bullshit
i have had enough
if i come down to church
its not because i want to be here
but because i was made to be here

2007-01-01T02:52:00.000+08:00

whilst everyone is partying
whilst everyone is alseep
whilst the night is still dark
there's a guy writing a tune on this blog

too bad i am gone to you
darren i broke my promise
a saying goes
that you choose a path
and you dont look back

i chose my path
and i am determine
to carry on
to fight on

how dark and how scary
is the world out there
but..
this is where my playground will be

a playground where you dont have fun
where you play with your life
you play with your soul
you pay it out with your blood

it is scary
it is dark
but...
this is my fun

now..
you can say
you can say that sentence
'go your way...'

2007-01-01T02:50:00.000+08:00

hahaha
i am at benji's hse now
cheers

2006-12-18T23:01:00.000+08:00

here's a recount of my year 2006

hmmm. have i ever thought that this very year is gonna be such a disastrous year for me? a year where i cried a few million times, where i truly learn that not every one is nice, where i found that thinking and dwelling too much into stuff can be hurtful instead of letting you see a clearer picture? to think that i can actually break down, to think i am such a hypocrite. i entered year 2006, with a hopeful heart that my class is not that disastrous. so, there i was in a new class, i recognized several faces, made friends with everyone. i thought i could put my past, my idiotic and pathetic old self in the past, and start anew. but i guess that somethings cant be thrown away just like that. one thing that stayed on with me till even today, as i am typing this post, its my ATTITUDE problem. yea. i know that my attitude sucks okay. but its something that will take time to change. as you can see, i actually was quite umm.. well recieved in class until some rumours spreaded and i kept giving my attitude to my chinese teacher that i got a bad impression from my class. which is horrendous and stupid. i was eventually transferred over to 326 because the chinese teacher cant teach me. so i was transferred. and the first thing that happened when i entered the classroom was that mr heng(HOL for chinese) scolded me cuz i sat at the back and i talked. so yea, i got stuck with this chinese teacher which was super fierce. hmmm. this was what was happening to me the start of year,i was pretty much disliked in my class and i'm not really doing well in my studies. well, band, was pretty uneventful cuz this was the year where i can get a post, i always wanted the band seageant post. so i had no choice but to try and attend every parade and try to put my best in band. this is where i am honest, i worked hard this year for that post but in the end i didnt get it, so yea.. and for my spiritual condition. i was in fact quite well for the first month, but eventually, my mates around me wanted me to hang out with them, and to go and play computer games and to have 'fun' until i stopped my devotions but i still prayed. well term ended with me failing. but what i was on mind was," why matter when its not even counted in the FYE?" well, this concludes my first quarter of this uneventful year.

well, i have started serving Christ in flute. well i play in offertory but i tend to screw up alot. well, here's a question that i have pondering about, when we are serving, do we serve for ourselves all serving to our Lord? do you have any tinge of pride when you are serving? what do you want out of it? and in whatever you do and choose, whats your motive? mmm. i have gone astray since this term started, i made new friends like nige, ben, bryane, rahim and many others. my cool dudes! hahaa. i started piercing my ear, for fun i guess. but i closed it soon after cuz i realized that it isnt good and i tend to stumble other younger christians and pple tend to look at me in a different light. well, this term i have been flirting around a little too much, making girl mates from tuitions and stuff. i have stop doing my daily devotions, i have stopped praying. why i ask? maybe its because that i feel that i dont need God because even on normal days and on days i prayed, everything's the same. i still scold vulgarities, i still hang out with my brothers and yea. maybe its because that its what i feel and not what God want. well i was very lost and i was very empty. i had made 3 new god sisters, well they are christine, shi hui and rachel :) i <3 them. this term i did not study and didnt do well for my exams and tests. my birthday was nevertheless just another day. how i wish that it will out of the ordinary, no matter how hard i hope and how hard i wish, it will never come true. maybe its just selfishness on my part. another birthday came and go, and i feel as left out as i am since i first stepped into this world, into school, into band, into church. what more can i say? another term passed and gone by.

well church camp and band trip to perth was in june camp. and i learn much abt God and music. which is good. yea. i was on a high with God and i tried to keep my nose clean instead of punking in school like some loser. anyway, the harder i try the easier i fall. in the end for no reason i pierced my ear. not one, not two but THREE! HMMM. well than i did alot of funny things and i started to get myself tangled up with affairs that wasnt right for my age. in the end i got "burned" pretty badly. in the end i became really angsty and erm some people will say that i was emo. i was towning full time, hanging out till late at night. in the end i didnt study and i was again one of the worse in class. my teachers came and talked to me and they called my parents in the end i still didnt listen? i thought my mom was barking mad, they didnt give a damn about me, my feelings? all they know was to quarrel and quarrel. whats wrong with them? arghh. anyway, i was appointed flute sl. and no one was there to see me get promoted.

this term was my last term, i was having trouble with my section. obviously i was power hungry and wanted total control over my section, but i guess it didnt work. so i changed my style of working with my section and i wonder was i making any progress? anyw, i was having a bad time in school. i just realised that all four terms results are counted for the final year results. i had the shock of my life. i started studying hard. having late nights, trying to keep away from town, keeping myself focused. what happened to me? 2 weeks before exams, i got so pissed off with his guy and i stole his ipod. well that still didnt gave me the license to take his ipod. i should have punch his all somthing like that. anyway, i got a warning letter. what was the worst is that i have to tell my mom what i have done in her face. for the first time in 3 yrs i saw her cry again. i hate myself. i hate myself. what can i do but to bring others sadness and anger? anyw, i was promoted. christmas was another holiday, a quiet one. why?

something i learned, the truth hurts.

well guys that was a summary of my year and now my resolution and other thoughts.

hmmm. my resolution for this year is to be able to stay close to God, and to try to be able to at least be a better friend to my friends. well.. as many of you know i have weird mood swings, and yea so i thank you for bearing with it. also that, i will try my best to rmb pple birthdays. hahaha! i will try to smile more and not have that du lan face. also that i will keep myself out of trouble and have a cleansheet year. i will try to enforce new rules and new regulations to my section hoping that it will help my section and also to try and keep my section united. AND also, to get at least below ten for o's. i must do it! no more slacking, its time to go.

well here's my early new year post, but you guys will only read it during new year's day itself, cuz only then i will reveal my new url.